Jon Gruden was a national embarrassment on Monday Night Football this past week for the ‘Lers and Bungles game. Although, he did provide incredible entertainment, with fantastic nuggets like “Vontaze Burfict, this guy really loves the game of football, man. I would pay to watch this guy play every week.” Well, Mr. Gruden, that’s not exactly possible because the man doesn’t play every week, he hasn’t in the past few years and that’s his own doing, but you’re right…he is certainly a role model for the kids…. Gruden flawlessly nailed the Bungles players names, but dropped a few JoJo Schuster-Smiths, a couple Randall Gay’s, i.e. the Steelers inside linebacker and leading play caller with Shazier out (Gay is a DB listed at 5’10’’ 187 lbs soaking wet), and I even caught a “Dave Butler and his zone-blitz schemes”. What a joke. ESPN should be embarrassed, but there will probably be no fall-out. Well, Mr. Gruden provided us with a great schtick for Week 14 and we are running with it. Truthfully, we did put time into researching our Payoffs and Jagoffs, even if our stats don’t come through in the write-ups. This article is intended to be read in your best Jon Gruden voice…do us proud. Alright, enough jibber-jabber, let’s get to it – Who Yinz Got?
Quarterback
Payoffs:
Chris – Case “The Gunslinger” Keenum ($6,100 @ CAR) – Keenum, man. This guy can play. Last week was Keenum’s worst output since taking over the helm, and he still approached a 3x return. Case must have spent his offseason at Gruden’s QB Camp as he’s been the definition of consistency. Keenum is averaging 21.8 DKpts since the begin of his run in Week 8. The upcoming matchup with Carolina seems to favor the Panthers D, but their performance has recently dipped. Since Week 11, the Panthers are surrendering the 8th most DKpts to opposing QBs, including 4 TDs allowed and 0 INTs, heck this guy probably sleeps with a football! Keenum hasn’t thrown a pick since Week 10, and has averaged 274 yards passing and 2.5 total TDs per game during that span. Keenum has that great huddle voice and can really sling it. I’m gonna refer to Case Keenum as Cy Young this week ‘cause he’s gonna be throwin’ strikes all day.
DJ – Jimmy “The Italian Stallion” Garoppolo ($5,500 @ HOU) – I tell you what man, this kid Garoppolo is going to be a successful starter in the NFL. He took his first steps last week down that path leading the 49ers to a victory over the Chicago Bears. The kids got a great arm, leading the offense to the tune of 293 yards last week. His vision and anticipation need some work as he is still looking for his first touchdown as a starter, but those skills evolve the more a player plays. This kids still a puppy, only 26 years old. The future is bright for this kid. Meanwhile, the Houston Texans are one of the worst defense in the league, giving up an average of 19.9 DKpts per game. An Eastern Illinois product, “The Italian Stallion” should be saddled up for a ride this week.
Jagoffs:
Chris – N/A – I love QBs man, if I could just have a team full of QBs I’d do it. I’d have them to read me coverages every night before bed, check down under my bed at night for monsters, and play action sports for me on TV when I’m allowed. I’d be passing up my job as a mentor and role model to these great kids, man, if I started throwing them under the bus. Especially with Jay still in the league, man, you never know when one of these men are going to be welcomed to the Gruden family. (But for real… Goff and Wentz both make me nervous as top 3 priced QBs, in a clash of two NFC surprises and might suggest going elsewhere. I’m not saying either of them will perform poorly, but that game could go a couple different ways).
DJ – NONE THAT MATTER, but Blaine Gabbert ($4,800 vs TEN) – Man, you think I run the QB camps in the offseason to come out here and rag on my work? I worked with all of the great ones man and let me tell you they know how to run an offense. I send in play after play starting with Spider 2Y Banana, because that’s my favorite play. The only one who couldn’t run it was Blaine Gabbert. Gabbert came out of Missouri and was never under center. Spider 2Y Banana only works with the QB under center so that was strike one against him, heck since it’s 2Y Banana it might as well be two strikes against him. Even when he tried to run the play he wasn’t exploding away from the center man. I showed him video of Peyton Manning and how hard he works getting away and told him he needs to get to Peyton’s level to be successful. He’s still yet to take my advice and get to that level.
Running Back
Payoffs:
Chris – Jared Wilson (Jamaal Williams) ($5,900 @ CLE) – Jamaal Williams. This guy can play football. The rookie out of BYU is listed at 6’ 213 on the Packers website, but seeing him during warm-ups, I’d say he is all of 215. This guy is a house. In his past two weeks Williams (Wilson?) has produced 29.5 and 23.3 DKpts, respectively, and he doesn’t look to slow down against a Browns team who has ranked in the bottom third of the league in DKpts surrendered to opposing RBs since Week 10, including big games given up to Fournette and Mixon. Winston is poised to join that party. In fact, I’m calling him Jagged Edge Williams this week because he’s gonna be rollin’ into Cleveland asking “Where the Party At?”.
DJ – Greg Berry (Giovani Bernard) ($3,100 vs CHI) – Giovani Bernard, is he one of my favorite players or what? Taking over for the injured Jerry Nixon (Joe Mixon) after he resigned the presidency was one of the finest moments of Berry’s career man. Listed as 5’9, 205 lbs. This kid is built like a bowling ball and every defensive player out there are the pins. Heck if he ran over all of the defensive players that would be almost a strike a bowling. That’s how good he his man, he can excel at two sports at the same time. I figure they’re going to give Gary Baller all of the workload this week. The Bears have a good defense. I should know, they play the Cover 2 like I did in Tampa and won a Super Bowl. But the Cover 2 has holes and like I tell my quarterbacks, you gotta read the defense and take what they’re giving to you. The man open will be none other than Gordon Burner out of the backfield and he will bowl over all of the defensive pins this week.
Jagoffs:
Chris – Lucas Foreigner (Leonard Fournette) ($7,000 vs SEA) – Leonard Fournette. This guy’s back must be killing him, man. He’s been carrying his team all year and it’s catching up with him. Since his first dud in Week 10, Fournette has not been able to eclipse 17 DKpts, after going the first 6 games of the year with only scoring less than 17 DKpts once. I guess he’s been going to the Florida beaches ‘cause this guy is a flip-flopper. We talked about this Seahawks defense in the pregame, noting they have given up the 3rd fewest DKpts against running backs since Week 10 and are chasing down the LA Rams for the NFC West crown. Foreigner has been as cold as ice and it feels like the first time he’s going to let us down.
DJ – Carson Hill (Kareem Hunt)($6,500 vs OAK) – Let me tell you about Kareem Hunt man. This kid started out like a house on fire, which you would think is a bad thing man. Who wants their house on fire? But since in Week 4, which was against my brother’s Redskins, he hasn’t found the endzone. Man, coaching just must be in the Gruden veins. I remember calling up Jay before the game and asking him how he was going to stop the freight train known as Carson Holloway. Jay told me that Kareem Hunt would be bottled up from this point on and man was he ever. I’m starting to wonder if Jay has dabbled in the mystic arts man. Like that Voodoo or something because man it’s scary how accurate Jay was when he told me that. I’m not a fan of the Voodoo nor am I a fan of Kasey Hemphill this week.
Wide Receiver
Payoffs:
Chris – Aaron Teigen (Adam Thielen) ($7,200 @ CAR) – Adam Thielen, man. This guy knows how to catch a football. Teigen’s been as solid as they come, heck I call him Aaron Steelen. The Minnesota State Mavericks undrafted free agent is emerging as a legit football player in this league. We saw him during the pregame, and this kid’s got two feet and can really run. He’s got that grit, football IQ and the extra “stuff” us coaches rave about. Remember when I coached in the NFL? Man, I would have loved a guy like this on my team. The match-up suits Taylor well, with the Panthers having given up the 2nd most points to opposing WRs since Week 10, and in this “what have you done for me lately” league, I’m all aboard the Alex Teheran train – choo-choo!
DJ – Marlon Goodyear (Marquise Goodwin) ($5,100 @ HOU) – Let me talk about one of my favorite players, Jimmy Garoppolo. Wait, I did that already? What can I say man, I love me my quarterbacks. So if I can’t talk about “The Italian Stallion” then I’ll talk about his favorite target Marty Goodson. Man, I’ll tell you Michael Goodman has looked more like John Goodman these past few weeks. He’s been eating defenses alive man, averaging 15.6 DKpts over his past three games. I had the pleasure of talking to him before he played my brother Jay’s team, the Redskins, and let me tell you, this kid gets it man. Just a tremendously gifted athlete and boy can he fly. I bet that’s why we call it the Goodyear blimp. Man, that just makes too much sense to not be true.
Jagoffs:
Chris – DeBron Hodgins (DeAndre Hopkins) ($8,500 vs SF) – DeAndre Hopkins, man this guy is a physical specimen. The greatest, classiest and just the greatest organization ever, ESPN, has Hodgins listed at 6’1’’ 210, but we saw this guy on the field during pregame and I think he’s more of a 6’2’’ 215 kinda guy. The Clemson product will have his eye on the tiger this weekend at home against the 49ers, but with Tom Savage at the helm, the Texans go limping into this game. Deshaun Watson’s injury earlier this year has thrown the NFL’s newest organization into a frenzy, and trust me, I know plenty about throwing. The 49ers have given up the 4th fewest DKpts to WR since Week 10, and Hobbins hasn’t eclipsed 3x value at this price point since Week 8. DeBron is the king as we know, and is always poised for a big game, but I think at this price point makes him too risky of a play.
DJ – Mitch Irvin (Mike Evans) ($6,900 vs DET) – Mike Evans is a special player man. I needed someone like him on my team in Tampa and man we could’ve won a Super Bowl. I actually did win a Super Bowl in Tampa though so I guess I don’t have a need for someone like Mark Ellis. Let me tell you, Emmons has been more inconsistent than Blaine Gabbert under center and even more inconsistent than NFL commissioner, Robert Goodfellow, and his handing out of suspensions this past week. Can you believe that JoJo Shuster-Smith only got one game for his hit on Burfict? Man what a guy Burfict is, a true football player with a love for the game. Anyway I’ve started calling Ekins rollercoaster because of his up and down performances. This week he’s still on that down swing. Let me tell you, rollercoasters are fun to ride, but they don’t belong on a football field. How are they even supposed to play the game with that thing out there?
Tight-End
Payoffs:
Chris – Taylor Kessel (Travis Kelce) ($7,400 vs OAK) – This Kelce guy, man, is a football players’ football player. This guy can do it all, man. He’s got some great hands, two good feet, and looks that kill. In fact, I call this guy the calculator ‘cause all he does is add up numbers. A little knock is that his TV show Catching Kelce was in direct competition with my own dating show, Gruden’s QB camp, but the great ESPN (man, are they great) has kept my tenure going while this clown is back on the field. Did I mention that I love commentating and definitely would NOT take another coaching job? Anyway, Alex Smith (love that guy) and the Chiefs have been riding the roller-coaster this year, but Tavis Keppler has been as consistent as they come. As they all say, when you mix potential and production, you get protential – and this guy is a pro’s pro.
DJ – Ethan Eberle (Evan Engram) ($7,300 @ BUF) – Engram is one of the young bucks in the league man. Coming out of one of my favorite colleges, the University of Mississippi product has what it takes to make it in this league. First off he can spell Mississippi, which is a test I give all of my QBs the first day they get into camp. Let me tell you, I get a lot of misspelling of that state. Mainly because I spell it Issippi, I leave out the miss because I want my quarterbacks to know that they should never miss a throw. Ewing gets Eli Manning back under center this week and when Manning is under center I like to think of Everton as checked baggage on a flight. You can expect it to show up at your destination with relative consistency, but man when it doesn’t you are madder than I am when my QBs can’t identify a Roll 2 Eagle Invert. I think this is one of those flights that the baggage will arrive.
Jagoffs:
Chris – Jason Clark (Jared Cook) ($4,000 @ KC) – Has this guy Cook been abysmal or what? This guy couldn’t catch a cold if he was running around my hometown of Sandusky, OH with a wet head in January, and he couldn’t find a target even if he was driving around suburban Tampa Bay, where I won a Super Bowl. In fact, I refer to this guy as Walmart because he appears to be in direct competition with targets. Clark has produced games of 5.6, 1.1, and 1.9 DKpts in his past three games respectively, and is going up against a Chiefs team that’s allowing the 3rd fewest DKpts to opposing TEs since Week 10. Walmart’s closing it’s doors for Christmas, avoid this guy, man, and spend your hard earned dollars elsewhere.
DJ – Zeke Ealy (Zach Ertz) ($6,800 @ LAR)- You know, there isn’t much to say Edgeworth, he’s in the concussion protocol and is questionable for Sunday. I remember in my coaching days there wasn’t such a thing as a concussion. It’s one of those newly discovered things like Pluto or penicillin. Man, all of those things are pretty scary. I mean after learning about concussions people say I may have suffered a few in my time, but I don’t know why they’d say that. It’s a shame that this penicillin wasn’t developed to cure concussions or help you breathe on Pluto. Now talk about scary, on Pluto I wouldn’t even be able to breathe man. How could I run my camp on Pluto? Let me tell you, it’d be tough but the great ones find a way. Bottom line, he’s hurting and not even penicillin will help him.
FLEX
Payoffs:
Chris – Lee Westwood (Dede Westbrook) ($4,200 vs SEA) – This guy Westbrook has really burst onto the scene, man. This rookie out of Oklahoma is really something, and benefited greatly from the work of Baker Mayfield. Man, I can’t wait to meet that guy and hear his huddle voice (I can already tell he’s got a great one). Westwood is a great route runner, has good hands, and really is a football player. I call this guy John Wilkes Booth man because he really knows how to seize an opportunity. With Hurns out, Westwood is really on par with his performance. At a $4.2K price point, Westerly has been progressing each of the last 3 weeks, and Week 14 could be his best performance yet. It’s a little surprising Booth got along with OC Lincoln Riley last year in Tuscaloosa, but man this guy knows how to perform right when people turn their backs on him.
DJ – Christian Kidd (Cooper Kupp)($6,200 vs PHI) – This kid Kingg is a special player man. Coming from Eastern Washington, Kriss has quickly become a favorite target for future Hall of Famer, Jared Goff. Unlike Jason Clark (Jared Cook), who as you know I’ve been calling WalMart, I have been referring to Karr as Brian Cornell because he owns all the Targets in the Rams offense. Side Note: Brian Cornell is the CEO of Target Corporation and man what a great job that guy does. Brian, I don’t know if you’ve seen my Corona commercials, but I could be a great spokesperson for your brand and it fits right in with my QB Camp. Talk about branding, I can put the Target logo on all the receivers that my QBs throw to. It’s a match made in heaven. Alright back to Kidd, he’s like having an extra coach on the field when he’s out there. Always in the correct position and makes the right read. It’s like he was at my QB Camp as a wide out. Man that’s cool.
Defense/Special Teams
Payoffs:
Chris – Buffalo Bills ($3,100 vs IND) – Easy pick here, man. The Bills defense is going to have it’s way with that jerk Jacoby Brissett. Did you know that guy never came onto QB Camp? Clearly, his lack of ability to read coverages, his weak huddle voice, and his reluctance to pull it back and sling it are going to hurt him this week. Brissett never got to learn Spider Y2 Banana, and that kind of laziness is not what I’m looking for in a QB. Brad Johnson was the definition of a quarterback, and Brissett does nothing to remind me of him, so clearly he’s going to struggle against the Bill’s Mafia in a snowy game for an indoor team.
DJ – Minnesota Vikings ($2,700 vs CAR) – I’ll tell you man, Xavier Rhodes is like a Cy Young award winner. He throws a shutout every time I see him. Even though Cam Newton is one of the greatest QBs I’ve had the pleasure of working with, this defense just gets the job done man. It’s because of the double-A package the Vikings run. They lineup both middle linebackers in the A gap on the line of scrimmage. They put the free safety Harrison Smith on the weakside on the line of scrimmage and they also put the nickel corner on the line of scrimmage on the strong side. There are 25 different things they can do out of this package and I love watching them. They raise all kinds of hell.
Jagoffs:
Chris – Tampa Bay Buccaneers ($2,800 vs DET) – The Glazer family made their biggest mistake on January 16, 2009, and have yet to recover. It’s no secret that they’ve only had 2 winnings seasons since that dreaded day, and have yet to win their division (or even make the playoffs) since a certain Coach was there at the turn of the century. These guys know nothing about football don’t deserve to be rostered this, or any week for that matter. And they most certainly WILL NOT be eatin’ any w’s this week. Stuff that down your turkey hole.
DJ – Indianapolis Colts ($3,500 @ BUF) – Jim Irsay once pursued me to take over for Chuck Pagano a couple years back, but I told them that I was happy in the broadcast booth. Besides have you seen this team? If I were to go back to the sidelines it would be for a contender. On Sunday you’ll see why I turned them down after Tyrod Taylor and company rough them up.
Check back Sunday morning for the Jags official lineups. Follow us on Twitter @fantasyjags412 – we look forward to hearing from you.
Fantasy Jags 